OFFICE LINGO

As technology marches ever onwards and we are assailed with more and more jargon, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep quick reference guide to office lingo.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the net, databases, print media etc looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something's popularity - Barney the dinosaur's Elvis Year was 1993.

404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found" meaning the requested document couldn't be located. Example: "Don't bother asking him, he's 404."

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise you've just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: Something loud happens in a Cube Farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOM: Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Stress Puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Tourists: Those who take training courses as a vacation from their jobs. Example: "we had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace.

kids in school think quick

kids in school think quick

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.